MAKING THE MOST OF DEPLOYMENTS

    Our local newspapers have recently carried many reminders that military service by it's very nature requires family separations of varying lengths; Camp Smith Marines deploy to the Middle East, Schofield soldiers are off to the Philippines, and Sailors return from the Arabian Sea on the USS Peilieu. We see tears of sadness with the "farewell" hugs or tears of joy with the "welcome home" hugs. But, believe it or not, separations are the time when the stay-at-home half of our military family partnerships can really shine.

    I guess I have some credibility in discussing the issue of family separation. As a married Naval Officer and carrier pilot I had a couple of 7 month Mediterranean Cruises and several 6 to 8 week cruises during my first 3 year tour of sea duty, all with from 1 to 3 babies/children. Then I hit the "mother of all deployments", 7 YEARS as a P.O.W. in North Vietnam. And would you believe we couldn't get any email in or out of Hanoi! Friends have accused me of having the ultimate last word when discussing hardship tours.

    When I left for that Vietnam tour (I joined the USS Kitty Hawk in mid cruise for a "short" 3 month deployment) my daughter was 7, my sons 5 and 3, and my wife was pregnant. When I returned my daughter was a blossoming high school freshman, my sons were gangling 12 and 10 year olds, and the "baby" was 7 years old when we first met. And don't you think my wife hadn't had her "military duty" cut out for her. And on top of that I was listed as MIA for almost 2 years before she even knew I was alive. From the time I was listed as missing she entered what turned out to be a 7 year "holding pattern" with an uncertain future.

    From the opposite sides of the earth we each prayed for guidance and made similar decisions; "Please, God, show me what to do with this situation, help me to learn, help me to grow and be better because of my pain. God, help me to find the purpose of my ordeal so that this won't just be a void or a vacuum in my life." And that was the foundation for both of us to turn a potentially totally negative period of time into a positive experience in many ways.

Look, I'm not trying to put a "happy face" on an aspect of our military lives that is inherently difficult and challenging. Husbands and wives and mommies and daddies and kids are supposed to be together, right? That's the ideal. And for a young mother or father alone with the children, there is NOTHING more important than being there full time for those kids. But there really are some opportunities to be found in separation, mostly in the form of time and autonomy.

    When one partner is deployed, the stay-at-home partner now has the time and energy that would have otherwise been devoted to the other. Even a working mother by necessity now has some extra time. At the risk of stating the obvious, most military bases provide the facilities and programs for personal growth and fulfillment; educational programs directly affiliated with the local universities and colleges, writing classes, art classes, specialty cooking classes. How about that psychology class you always wanted to take but never had the time. And speaking of personal fulfillment, don't overlook the volunteer work that is coordinated by the base chapel or the Red Cross. Get organized so you have the time to exercise, alone or with a buddy or with the kids. One of the best gifts you can give your spouse upon his return is your own good health and the healthy state of mind that goes with it. But having said all of this, the most important thing when there are children is to simply be the best Mommy AND Daddy you can be. It's hard sometimes, but when you do your best, who can ask for more?

    You deployment veterans out there know a lot of changes can take place during a 7 month separation; family routines become habit, and autonomy taken for granted. Imagine the same dynamics after a 7 year separation. My wife did a great job of being the best Mom and Dad she could be, and being all things to our family and friends. When I returned she said, "I'm really tired of doing it all. I'm eager for YOU to make some decisions and take some responsibility." I said, "Well I'm eager to do it." So I made some decisions and she said, "Wait a minute, we haven't been doin' it that way!" I relate that story sort of tongue-in-cheek, but there really can be some readjustment issues. But if we are conscious of them and approach them thoughtfully, as you know, they are certainly manageable.

    Given the make up of today's military I realize that stay at home dads are an issue too, and the same principles apply, but the vast majority remain wives and mommies. So with that in mind, when the kid start asking, "Mommy, where is Daddy? Why cant he be here with us? I miss him so much!", please don't just say, "Daddy's on deployment, Honey, he'll be home soon." Take the time to say something like, "I miss him too, Precious, but Daddy is doing something very important. He and lots of other Daddies are working very hard every day to protect our country, America. He's making it safe for the Mommies and little children just like us in other countries who have no one else to protect them. When he comes home he'll tell us all about it. Aren't we proud of Daddy!" And you can be sure that, where ever he is, "Daddy" is proud of you!